Why This Writer Has Let it Go (In Case You’re Curious)

Aw geez. For some time (I mean over 6 months), I have let go of my writing. There are times I’ve written for myself. Sometimes I get all excited about a certain theme and write about that. But it doesn’t last. Is this ‘writer’s block’? I feel like that’s an excuse, an imaginary scenario I’m borrowing from others. Whether I’m blocked or not, here is at least why I’ve let it go when it comes to my writing. Just in case you’re any bit curious.

Our World of ‘Look at Me, Look at Me’

I feel literally exhausted by the idea that for my writing to count, I need followers. I need readers. Right? I mean, what good is my writing if no one is going to read it. Well, do you realize the extent of our world now and its means of marketing? I do. I used to work in social media management, then focused on online marketing. When it comes to my writing and my travel writing, I also do the marketing for that.

And you know what it feels like? Like a constant rat race of ‘look at me, look at me’, but in a really annoying 5-year old way. Practically everything is online now. Marketing and sales are online now. I never have liked sales. I really can’t stand selling myself or anything to others. And I’m just tired of writing something and then thinking about, ‘Oh, wait. Did I write it like people will understand? Will they get it? Heck, will they even find it?’…

It influences, at least for me, what and how I write. I used to tell clients ‘you’ve got to be consistent and just steadily put content out there’. Yeah, well maybe it’s not so much the case. Like any true sales platform, communication platform, whatever it may be, the ones who pay and pay more get the priority. Heard of Google AdWords, Facebook Ads? I won’t even get into the time and work it takes to then build and maintain a website and it’s search rankings.

But really, more than anything, I think I’ve also become tired of valuing things only if they are ‘share-worthy’ for others. Now that, I realize, is all on me. Big over-thinking stuff going on here. I will not digress further.

This Little Box of My Self-Judgment

Is my ranting and complaining done? No, it sure isn’t. You see, I’ve been majorly self-censoring myself big time. Thinking that ‘I shouldn’t write this because it sounds so negative and I’m complaining’ or ‘that’s not going to get me any readers, cause it doesn’t meet this, this and that…’.

Well, be it negative, incorrect, wrong or down-right rude, I’ve got to at least just get back to writing. All right, I’ll confess. I tend to care a lot about what people think. As much as I try not to. But believe me, I’m getting better at it. Something glorious that comes with age.

And let’s be real (since we’re already doing that here); it feels good to vent. Doesn’t it? Sometimes getting it out there in the open and off your chest, helps it get better. At least it may feel better when we remember that we’re not alone. There are others out there who can empathize. This is when you say, ‘of course, I can definitely empathize’. Whew, good. That’s so nice.

And after all, I’m not forcing you to be here reading this. If it’s not appealing to you right now, it’s one easy click of the window away and you don’t have to read it. Easy as that. Keep in mind that I’m writing this for myself, more than for you.

Why Am I Even Writing?

I don’t think that there is anything wrong with writing for others. Not at all. I hope that my writing is of some good to others in some way. It’s the core-motivation for myself that I’m wondering about. I don’t feel motivated to write as I once did. I want to feel inspired and energized. And somewhere along the way, between designing websites, struggling with Google Analytics and scheduling Facebook Posts, I feel like I’ve lost that motivation.

It’s obvious. My main motivator for writing is for myself. Sound selfish? Fine if it is. I want to write for myself, for my own self-fulfillment and satisfaction. My question to myself now is, ‘what is it going to take to keep writing even if it’s only for me?’.

What I’m Wanting Out of This

Now, I tend to have expectations, and pretty high ones at that. And there’s something I’m wanting out of writing all this. I want to shift my writing and get back to writing in such an awesome, energizing, flow of incredibleness. I think that sums it up. And I do want for it to attract followers and readers. For god’s sake, I want to see some results! I want for my writing to be of value to others too. There, I’ve said it. I pretty much want it all. If it’s good and grand for me, bring it on.

So I am trying to get back to not just writing, but great writing. And by that I mean writing that I love and enjoy and am prolific with. How? Well, this was one step, and for all the other steps, I’m willing to see what unfolds and to keep trying. Or as Yoda says, ‘Do or do not, there is no try’. So I’ll simply do it, making mistakes along the way I’m sure, but I’ll embrace them cause there’s bound to be some successes in there too.

Okay, if you’ve made it this far in reading this, thanks so much. I know that it’s up to me to take it from here. But your part in being here right now, means a lot and is part of it all. I really appreciate it.

writer's block

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Thought Catalog

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